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(no subject)  
03:02am 24/01/2012
i feel like typing an entry today...no special reason...just in a good loving mood...its funny because when i think about when i use to write entries in my lj it would be to vent...to complain about someone...but today its that i am feeling happy and feeling a lot of love and joy...its funny i cannot remember the last time i was writing in here and that i was happy...my vermonster makes me feel so good, makes me feel so loved and i miss him when hes not around and he says the same...i love talking to him, i could lie in bed and talk all night with him...he makes me happy...i am happy so extremely happy...so many friendships, and so much love this year so far has started off so well its full of such good things new endeavors for people and so many new things...my man getting a new job, working hard...my bestie thinking of new york within the next 6-7 months...my friends going to school going to work doing so much with their lives...everything is good...i feel like last year got off to a rocky start but god was it the best year i had...so 2012 can bring it cuz this is the happiest ive been in a long while.... 
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(no subject)  
06:20pm 05/01/2012
it is a new year...the past year has been so unbelievably amazing...i cant even explain how much the past year has meant to me...the past year was filled with such joy, happiness, new friendships, and love...when the end of last yer happened i thought that this year was going to be shit that this year would just be as depressed as it would start...i decided to meet up with rhianna, al, and fend...wow what a change...if i only knew that this would start the beginning what i would describe as the most amazing year of my life...we started karaoke...i met new friends...i reconnected with old friends on a level that i didn't know i could have...i met a new love in my life...this year has been filled with old friends, college friends, and new friends...rid myself of bad people, and old loves...and replaced it with new best friends, old best friends and new loves...i can only imagine what the new year has to bring...and i am thankful for everyone who has made even a little bit of a difference in my life this year....
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(no subject)  
02:14am 04/10/2011
he was the billy to my ally
but you...you're the larry to my ally...a lot of things about their relationship reminds me of us...damnit...
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(no subject)  
02:20am 09/08/2011
 this seems kinda crazyy its been since April that I've made any effort to talk to Luke...funny how once you take a step back and reevaluate what you've been doing that you realize how much happier you are.
i was broken when me and Luke broke up i didn't think id be able to be happy for a long time just illusions of happiness in front of people.
you probably cheated on me and if i was the same person i was back than i don't think i couldn't or would've recovered from it.
it just amazes me the amount of growth that has happened in just a simple 3-4 months. i'm not who i was back than, if anything i am back to who i was. and i am blessed...i am so unbelievably happy with my life right now. i don't think i could've asked for better friends than the ones i have now,...they bring me so much laughter happiness and love...and the cherry on top is now i am dating someone...i'm so comfortable with him...bill is amazing hes just so sweet and just the simplest things make me melt...him moving the hair outta my face and kissing my forehead...him playing his guitar and singing to me...lying on the couch cuddling and talking...he makes me happier than i thot i would ever be at this point in my life...we've talked about so much too..he knows about Luke, he knows about my life, he tells me about his...i can say that i am comfortable with my body when i'm with him. which sounds ridiculous but its something i'm not comfortable with a lot of ppl with...he just makes me feel loved...he makes me feel well he makes me feel which again stupid statement but there are not realli many words to describe the feelings i have when i'm with him. 
i'm no longer hurt by Luke i am no longer dwelling in the past or having any leftover feelings for him. i am good...i am so happy...it just makes me laugh that i am so amazingly happy with everything even through all the shit i put myself through months before.  if i didn't have ppl like Zoë, Bill, Nick, Louis, Al, Don, Bryan, Rhianna, Maria, and everyone else i don't think i would be where i am in my life... its amazing what an impact some people can have on your life.
mood: happyhappy
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day one  
12:45am 25/12/2010
its day one. it hasnt fully hit me yet. i dont think it will...but its day one of survival without you. first day in the past 4 years that we havent talked. i hate it. i hate this. i cant believe that its over. i hate this. i keep playing things over and over in my mind. im in such a depressive state and tomorrow is christmas. what am i thinking bout during this? how you will be at work and not with me. how we will not be an us again.  when will this be less painful? when will the crying stop? i cant beleive its actually done. this is so painful so hard how am i gonna be able to face my family. god i miss you so much...i miss us, i cant beleive we got to that point. that we lost what we once had. how did this happen? i look at all these scenes in our relationship and i am just screaming at myself thinking what are you doing?? shut up! be grateful for what you have! now its too late. i cant change this i cant. there is nothing i can do to change your mind on this.  its my fault.  you cant ever bet on forever i was so naive. im so hopeless. you fell out of love...so what am i suppose to do? cuz im still standing here in love with you and i cant do a damn thing about it.  why does this come in waves? why does it hit me that you just arent in love with me and dont want to be with me that way anymore. how am i fine one minute than uncontrollable crying two seconds later... i hate that ive made you feel the way you've been feeling that i couldnt do anything and only made it worse. i hate that ive caused the person i've loved so much such pain. so i listen to our song over and over...this self-loathing is so its just making me dig a deeper hole of depression. the fact that we are both so torn up and crying about this. that i had to sit there and ball your eyes out in front of me i just dont understand how you could just end this. this cant be over it cant. i cant do this. i really cant i dont know how i can survive without you there.  god im so stupidly and painfully dependent on you. im such a masochist. i put myself deeper into this self loathing pain. i reali bring some of it on myself...i ask you to kiss me one last time last night, knowing the answer. your kiss on my forehead was still soothing....i hate that we are going through this thing and you dont have anyone to talk to. i hate that i really do. i want to be that person for you but iknow i cant.  what am i suppose to do when i cant talk to you everyday. what am i suppose to do? i am at a real loss here.

day one. just as painful as 12am december 23. just as painful as 5:30-9:30pm december 23. day one came in waves today, in bed...in the shower crying...at the xmas party...talking to rhianna....talking to anyone....how am i suppose to go on with my everyday schedule without you? i dont know how to do that. i dont know how to function without you in my life...i know its temporary but i still hate it and i know it's never gonna be the same. i hate that also. i thought we'd be together forever...sad isnt it.  i never thot we'd even have the words break up in our vocabulary what it dealt with the two of us. i thot we were gonna be the lily and marshall of our group stupid huh. i dont know if imma be able to deal with telling people i cant i realy cant. i cant handle telling a majority of ppl about this. cuz i always thot we were meant to be. i thot you would be my one and only. funny thing i know i could never hate you. i know that you say that i have a heart of gold and that im a better person and that i shouldnt blame myself but u know me and u know that i completely do.

how did i lose you. how'd i manage to screw up the best and most serious relationship i've ever had in my life? how did i make you fall out of love with me. how did i manage to love you more than i thot i could ever manage to love anyone in my life? how did i give you everything of me and still have this end so civilized and so hard and ughhh

goddamnit i hate this so much its xmas and im sitting here typing about this. i hate feeling like this i hate that we havent talked at all today. i hate myself for screwing this up.  i hate that all we will ever be is best friends and someone who will always be there for me is the best we are ever gonna do again. i hate that i fell in love with my best friend to have him fall out of love with me. but the thing about all of it is that i could never hate you. and i hate that im so hopelessly in love with you still....tho it prolly wouldnt change the way i feel.

so to sum it all up....day one sucked...and i feel like its gonna be pretty much downhill for a long while...
music: the kill- 30 seconds to mars
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(no subject)  
01:51am 23/08/2010
ive been sad lately...i thought it was mainly b/c of my friends which caused all my distress but apparently not...
i wanna cry a lot of the time...i wish i knew why...im not myself lately...i am just sad. i am unhappy....i have no idea why i have no idea why i wanna just lie in a ball and cry i wish i could talk to someone...lukes so far away its not the same on the fone than just to lie down and just talk to someoen and just start crying i feel alone and i hate it....
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(no subject)  
07:14pm 19/08/2010
i am so glad that i can come to my parents when i have a problem...mom comes into the room i try to tell her about how ive been stressed out about finding a job and paying for apts and all of these things that are stressing me out and what does she do with it? she goes to my dad and tells him in a complaining tone about it and how basically its my own fault for all of it than my dad does his "i told her so " speech while i am in another room in my house that echos every conversation...yes thank you parents that is really great to know that i can come to you in my time of stress....i love being at home and being shit talked about by my own fuckin parents it really does make you feel better about urself wen ur feeling low and depressed....
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(no subject)  
01:35am 07/03/2010
sometimes everything just gets frustrating... sometimes you just wanna scream....there is just such frustration within all of it that its just getting old.  this whole thing with my job is driving me insane and the stress is just freaking me out.  i getting nervous about it all and it worries me....and with friends its funny like i have a lot of friends but ive never felt so alone at the moment...i have zero social life...its quite depressing and slightly psychotic...i am going stir crazyy like i dont have anyone to hangout with right now...i am going crazyyyy

"Loneliness adds beauty to life. It puts a special burn
on sunsets and makes night air smell better.”
--Henry Rollins

being a strong person means knowing
that in the end everything is gonna be okay.
if something is meant to be then you have
to know, that no matter what, it will find a way


Imperfection is beauty.
Madness is genius.
And it's better to be absolutely ridiculous
than absolutely boring.


life is full of surprises;
so hope for the best
and expect the worst.
'cause lifes not a movie.
it's all unrehearsed

Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away
that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose,
teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who
you want to become. You never know who these people may be - a
roommate, a neighbor, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a
complete stranger - but when you lock eyes with them, you know
at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way


It's only when you're tested that you
truly discover who you are. And it's only
when you're tested that you discover who you
can be. The person you want to be does exist,
somewhere on the other side of hard work, belief,
faith and the heartache & fear of what lies ahead


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(no subject)  
01:24am 13/10/2009


music: Sugarland "Stay"
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(no subject)  
05:59pm 22/02/2009
have you ever seen ps i love you?
cuz this movie is making me sooo sad i can't stop crying....
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